Madame Web review

MADAME WEB: 

THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO REVIEW THIS SPIDER-MAN SPIN-OFF “IT STINKS, IT STINKS, IT STINKS”! 

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: ½ out of 4 (Zero on the Knockoff Shermometer, Brrr!)

COLUMBIA PICTURES AND MARVEL

Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, and Tahar Rahim in Madame Web

Jay Sherman from The Critic © Gracie Films/Sony Pictures Television

 

            Dakota Johnson (Fifty Shades trilogy, Black Mass, The Peanut Butter Falcon) discovers she can see the future and tries to protect three teenage girls from a supervillain in Madame Web, the latest installment of Sony’s Spider-Man Universe following 2018’s Venom, its 2021 sequel Venom: Let There Be Carnage, and 2022’s Morbius. The film is directed by S.J. Clarkson (Doctors, Heroes, Ugly Betty) in her feature film directorial debut and produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura (Transformers franchise, Salt, RED 1 and 2). 

Sony Pictures’ history with the Spider-Man franchise has been quite a rollercoaster to say the least with various ups and downs. Probably their most divisive approach is with their Spider-Man Universe movies which unlike the current live-action Spider-Man films which are collaborations between Sony and Marvel Studios, these are produced entirely by Sony Pictures. 

Sometimes, Sony can put out a good Spider-Man movie without the involvement of Marvel Studios like the first two Sam Raimi movies and the Spider-Verse franchise. But they often get carried away with franchising the hell out of it to the point of sabotaging directors’ visions. 

The Spider-Man Universe movies haven’t been successful with critics or longtime fans of the characters while some audiences seemed to enjoy them. With Kraven the Hunter being delayed due to the SAG-AFTRA and Writers Guild of America strikes last year, Sony desperately wanted to get some form of Spider-Man-related Marvel movie out for the Valentine’s Day holiday so out comes Madame Web, a female-centered Spider-Man movie which I think could have a lot of potential and be a fun popcorn flick. HOTCHIE MOTCHIE, did this movie go horribly wrong!?! 

The impossible has happened, Morbius has been dethroned as the worst installment of the Sony Spider-Man Universe and not only that, but it’s one of the worst superhero movies I’ve ever seen in my life and not in a fun, bad way. In fact, the movie is so horrible that I have compiled a list of diseases I’d rather have than watch this movie including Common Cold, Yellow Fever, Vitamin Deficiency, Scurvy, Rickets, Leprosy, Unidentified Yellow Discharge, Sleeping Sickness, and finally Spastic Colon. 

            The film follows Cassandra “Cassie” Webb (Johnson), an awkward paramedic in Manhattan who, after an accident discovers she has psychic powers as a clairvoyant which allows her to see the future. But when she has to protect a group of teenage girls from a relentless villain known as Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim-The Eagle, The Mauritanian, Napoleon) out to destroy them, Cassie reluctantly becomes a hero who must confront her past in order to survive and possibly save the day. 

            The film also stars Sydney Sweeney (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Anyone But You, Immaculate) as Julia Cornwall/Spider-Woman, Celeste O’Connor (Freaky, Ghostbusters: Afterlife/Frozen Empire) as Mattie Franklin/Spider-Woman, Isabela Merced (Transformers: The Last Knight, Instant Family, Dora and the Lost City of Gold) as Anya Corazón/Araña, Mike Epps (Resident Evil franchise, The Boondocks, The Hangover trilogy) as O’Neil, Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew, Scream 4, We’re the Millers) as Mary Parker, and Adam Scott (The Aviator, The Matador, Step Brothers) as Ben Parker. 

            Overall, Madame Web could have been a fun, female-centered Spider-Man movie with a unique psychological approach if under better circumstances, but it turns out to be a dull, sloppily put together superhero movie and another sign of Sony Pictures not knowing what to do with the Spider-Man films rights or understanding what they’re bringing to the screen. I’ve never read any Madame Web before so I’m not sure what the character is like, but I know what Spider-Man movies are like and if I saw a legit Spider-Man movie that was done like this, it would be a boring, bad Spider-Man movie. 

            There’s very little superhero action in here and even when there is Spider-Women fighting an evil Spider-Man, they’re so horribly edited, murky, and just unappealing to look at. Honestly, the visions of the future where the three teenagers become Spider-Women and were fighting the villain sprinkled throughout the film made me wish I was watching that movie instead, at least I was promised Spider-Women somewhere in there. 

            The idea of a Spider-Man movie (or superhero movie in general) with a Final Destination/psychological element to it could be interesting especially compared to the overblown comic book movie blockbusters we usually get and with a competent actress like Dakota Johnson leading it, this movie could have worked. The problem is the script is godawful with horrendous dialogue, incredibly forced attempts at humor, and worst of all it fails to give an emotional attachment to the characters because they’re so one-note with barely any development aside from a couple dialogue moments. 

To the point where I’m baffled as to how these women will eventually work as a team because despite having decent actresses portraying them, they have practically NO chemistry throughout the entire thing and there isn’t much passion behind anything in this movie. It just feels like a movie digested out of a studio executive’s rectum and told the crew “Start filming!”. 

Say what you will about the Fifty Shades movies, but I’ve seen Dakota Johnson do great work before and even in here there are moments where she is trying to work with the material given to her. Unfortunately, the material gives her little to work with and her performance in the end comes off as very dry and at times awkward. 

I wish I didn’t already use the “L.A. street gangs killing movie executives rant at the end of my Morbius review because if you can believe it, Madame Web is somehow even worse than Morbius because to Morbius’ credit it knew what it was trying to be, a superhero version of a monster movie and it at least delivered on that regard and it had a few enjoyable (and even enjoyably bad) moments like a not-annoying Jared Leto performance and a cartoonishly hammy Matt Smith performance. This didn’t even have that going for it and just became a boring superhero movie with a poorly-constructed origin story that barely established its characters, lackluster action, and none of the meme-worthy elements that made Morbius a fascinating dumpster fire so I can’t even recommend it in a “So Bad It’s Good” way.  

Madame Web is another nail in the Sony’s Spider-Man Universe coffin that fails to deliver on its unique concept or fun superhero entertainment and once again proves that without their partnership with Marvel Studios or a consistent vision throughout, Sony will continue to get lost with trying to bring their most successful film series to the screen. I guess the only appropriate way to end this review is a variation of this classic Jay Sherman speech that sums up everything wrong with Sony’s Spider-Man Universe. 

I am a movie critic by trade and until recently, I got paid to tell you which Spider-Man spin-offs merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I am putting the burden of lousy Spider-Man spin-offs back on YOU!

It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad Spider-Man spin-offs, they’ll stop making bad Spider-Man spin-offs. If the movie is based on Venom, just don’t go. After No Way Home, give it a rest, If it’s a movie about a Spider-Man multiverse, watch the Spider-Verse. 

Tell them you want stories about Spider-People, not a hundred million dollars of poorly-adapted characters and clumsy action. People it’s up to you. If the Sony Spider-Man Universe stinks, just…don’t…go! 

COMING LATER THIS YEAR: KRAVEN THE HUNTER AND VENOM 3!