Artemis Fowl review

ARTEMIS FOWL: 

BELOVED YOUNG-ADULT FILM ADAPTATION COMMITS THE HEINOUS CRIMES OF BOREDOM AND LACKS SOURCE MATERIAL'S MAGIC! 

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: * ½ out of 4

DISNEY+

Lara McDonnell, Judi Dench, Josh Gad, Ferdia Shaw, Nonso Anozie, Tamara Smart, and Colin Farrell in Artemis Fowl

            A 12-year-old prodigy goes on a mission to rescue his kidnapped father in Artemis Fowl, based on the book of the same name by Eoin Colfer and is the latest film adaptation of a popular young-adult novel. The film had been in development hell for years shortly after the book was published in 2001 and was originally intended to be a Miramax release until Disney acquired the rights in 2013. 

            Throughout its production history, the film went through several directors and writers until finally Kenneth Branagh (Hamlet (1996), Thor, Cinderella (2015)) was brought onboard to helm the movie. When the movie was officially announced, admittedly I was interested in seeing what they were going to do with Colfer’s story. 

            I remembered reading the book in school as a kid though my memory of it is very hazy, but I’m familiar with the premise of it. A child prodigy and his faithful servant befriend a fairy and a dwarf to rescue his kidnapped father from a gang of pixies looking to reclaim an artifact that was stolen by the Fowl family, sounds like there could be a lot of potential for a movie with this set-up. 

            Sadly, the red flags started to show their ugly selves as the movie was originally scheduled for an August 2019 theatrical release but was constantly pushed back and just before it was able to secure a May 2020 release, the COVID-19 pandemic struck and the film was dropped onto the Disney+ streaming service as a last resort. So, after all that trouble behind the scenes and during post-production, how does Artemis Fowl translate to film? Ummm…badly…very, VERY badly! 

            I wasn’t expecting Artemis Fowl to be anything great when the teaser trailer debuted a year and a half ago, but I was not expecting it to be this bad. How does a story with so much imagination and potential for a film turn into such a bland, thinly plotted, and overblown mess? This is the visual equivalent of watching Disney set $125 million (The film’s budget) on fire, Dark Knight Joker style. 

            It plays like a 90-minute compilation of scenes awkwardly stitched together with nothing of real substance and it seems like there were a lot of important scenes left on the cutting-room floor because apparently this young-adult book adaptation needs to be under 100 minutes for some reason. 

            Pile bad acting, a weak script, and overblown but terribly edited action sequences on top of it and you got a huge misfire in the Disney film library. It might very well be one of the Top 5 Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen with the Disney name alongside Mr. Magoo, The Lone Ranger, The Haunted Mansion, and Inspector Gadget. 

            The film follows Artemis Fowl II (Newcomer, Ferdia Shaw), a 12-year-old genius, criminal mastermind, and millionaire who lives at Fowl Manor in Ireland with his father, Artemis Sr. (Colin Farrell-Daredevil, Seven Psychopaths, Dumbo (2019)). Suddenly, his father gets kidnapped and is accused of the theft of priceless artifacts leaving his son to discover the truth about his family. 

            It turns out the Fowl family has stolen ancient artifacts and documented the existence of mythical creatures such as fairies, dwarves, and trolls, and a mysterious hooded figure holding Artemis’ father captive tells him to find the Aculous, an artifact stolen and hidden by the Fowls in exchange for his father’s life. 

            Artemis, with the help of his loyal butler Dom (Nonso Anozie-RocknRolla, Cinderella (2015), Game of Thrones), a fairy cop known as Holly Short (Newcomer, Lara McDonnell), and a dwarf named Mulch (Josh Gad-Frozen 1 and 2, The Angry Birds Movie 1 and 2, Beauty and the Beast (2017)) must locate the Aculous and use its power to save his father before time runs out. 

            The film also stars newcomer, Tamara Smart as Juliet, Judi Dench (Shakespeare in Love, James Bond franchise, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) as Commander Julius Root, Hong Chau (Inherent Vice, Downsizing, Watchmen (HBOSeries)) as Opal Koboi, Nikesh Patel (Midsomer Murders, Indian Summers, Doctor Who) as Foaly, and Joshua McGuire (The Hour, Mr. Turner, Cinderella (2015)) as Briar Cudgeon. 

            Overall, Artemis Fowl fails to recapture the magic and bold storytelling of the book and instead turns a story that has a lot of potential for a movie into another generic, tiresome young-adult adaptation with one-dimensional characters, wooden acting, practically paper-thin plot, and loud, overblown, and badly edited action sequences to boot. I’ll give the film some credit that it’s at least visually appealing with Branagh’s trademark monumental directing style in check, but why does it matter when your characters are dull, not enough substance to keep the audience invested, and lacking in world building and character development? 

            But let’s get to my biggest problem with this movie, it’s BORING! Yeah, they somehow manage to make a movie about 12-year-old criminal mastermind, a fairy cop, and a dwarf with a cartoonishly big mouth reminiscent of The Mask boring, that is more of a crime that any of the Fowl family’s robberies. 

            Most of the movie takes place in a house, the action sequences have an overabundance of unconvincing CGI, the camera work is dizzying during the action, the non-human character designs feel ripped from other movies (The giant troll looks exactly like a Warcraft orc, bad CGI and all), and the performance by Shaw is terrible and fails to leave an impression. I feel so bad criticizing this kid’s performance since this is his first acting role in a feature film, but hopefully he’ll be able to get good work in the future, also the plot is somehow both complex and empty at the same time

            It’s a shame because I can see a movie like this working had the script, directing, and acting were better. There is enough material in Colfer’s book that could be translated to film, but it all boils down to execution and this is how not to do a Y.A. book adaptation. 

            Artemis Fowl is awful, plain and simple. It fails both as an adaptation of the book and as a movie in general, when you decide to watch it, everyone loses.