The Emoji Movie review

THE EMOJI MOVIE:

A MOVIE SO DREADFUL THAT IT MAKES MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR PHONE IN A MOVIE THEATER LOOK LIKE AN AMUSEMENT PARK RIDE BY COMPARISON!

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: ½ out of 4

COLUMBIA PICTURES AND SONY PICTURES ANIMATION

(From left to right) Jailbreak, Gene, and Hi-5 in The Emoji Movie

            I remembered back in 2013 when The Lego Movie was first announced and wasn’t fully convinced but it turned out being one of the best animated movies in recent years. Well, The Emoji Movie was the movie I thought I was going to get at first with The Lego Movie, one of the most desperate attempts at family entertainment I’ve seen in a long time and I sat through Free Birds, The Nut Job, and the Smurfs movies.

            Developed by Sony Pictures Animation, the studio behind Surf’s Up, Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs, and Hotel Transylvania and directed by Tony Leondis (Igor) who was a story artist for DreamWorks Animation films like The Prince of Egypt and The Road to El Dorado, and based on those little faces you text to your friends on your phones…Yeah, sounds like a blockbuster to me.

            Imagine Wreck-It Ralph, Inside Out, and The Lego Movie smushed together and minus the charm, wit, and engaging characters and became one of the most cynical and lousy attempts at making an hour and a half long smartphone commercial. That’s this movie and it is what I think so far is the worst movie Sony Pictures Animation has ever produced, and I applaud all of their Smurfs movies for not being this painfully bad.

            The film follows a meh emoji named Gene (voiced by T.J. Miller-How to Train Your Dragon, Big Hero 6, Deadpool) living in the city of Textopolis (I came pretty close to vomiting after hearing that city name) inside the phone of a teenage boy named Alex (voiced by Jake T. Austin-Wizards of Waverly Place, Rio, Justice League Action) who’s trying to ask a girl to his school’s dance. On his first day of work in the text center Gene discovers he actually has multiple expressions, panics, and accidentally makes the wrong face when Alex selects him, resulting in him being labeled as a malfunction by the leader of the text center, Smiler (voiced by Maya Rudolph-Bridesmaids, The Way, Way Back, The Angry Birds Movie) and must be deleted.

            Smiler sends out her emoji deleting bots after Gene as he races off to find the source code and have him reprogrammed. Along the way he meets the giant hand emoji, Hi-5 (voiced by James Corden-Gavin & Stacy, Into the Woods, The Late, Late Show with James Corden) and a tomboyish codebreaker emoji named Jailbreak (voiced by Anna Faris-Lost in Translation, Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs, The Dictator) who accompany him on his quest.

            They encounter bots, dance-offs in Just Dance, internet Trolls, and become diabetic in Candy Crush as they race to clear Gene’s multiple expressions and for Jailbreak to make it to the Cloud in search for a better life.

            The film also features the voices of Steven Wright (The Swan Princess, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, Louie) as Mel Meh, Jennifer Coolidge (American Pie, Legally Blonde, Robots) as Mary Meh, singer Christina Aguilera as the Just Dance dancer, Akiko Glitter, Sofia Vergara (Lords of Dogtown, Four Brothers, Modern Family) as Flamenca, Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: The Next Generation, X-Men franchise, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius) as the Poop emoji (And I’m really mad about typing that!), and Sean Hayes (Will & Grace, Cats & Dogs, Monsters University) as Steven the devil emoji.

            Overall, The Emoji Movie is an absolute waste of time and a disgrace to family entertainment and cinema animation. The film is nothing more than a shameful attempt at creating a commercial for a commercial for another commercial and every time an app or phone feature is mentioned I wanted to get up, walk into the men’s restroom, and weep.

            I don’t even think Space Jam, The Wizard, or the dreaded Cat in the Hat movie from 2003 were as big a corporate sellout than this entire movie was. We’ve seen movies that were corporate sellouts but were still good movies before like The Lego Movie and even if you weren’t buying the products the movie was still engaging and fun no matter the age.

            This on the other hand is pretty much a colorful looking prison and you’re being tortured by watching these awful jokes and following these bland cookie-cutter characters for an hour and a half while constantly being suckered into buying a smartphone. I’ve never played Just Dance or Candy Crush but after seeing this movie I don’t even want to consider playing those games, I’m sure they’re decent games but seeing these games being shamelessly shoehorned into this film is just painful.

            If you’re a parent don’t take your kids to see this movie, The Emoji Movie is not worth anyone’s money. Go see something enriching instead like Despicable Me 3, Captain Underpants, or even Cars 3, Heck, take the kids to Spider-Man: Homecoming I don’t care if it’s PG-13 you’ll get a lot more family fun with that movie than anything in this.

            It’s a corporate ad disguised as a family movie that should be deleted from existence and not enough emojis in the world can express my hatred for this foul piece of

. Just do a triple feature of Wreck-It Ralph, Inside Out, and The Lego Movie instead, you’re getting the exact same plots but with actual talent and effort.

Atomic Blonde review

ATOMIC BLONDE:

GENERIC SPY FILM STORYTELLING BUT IS QUICKLY MADE UP FOR WITH SOME THRILLING ACTION SEQUENCES AND A SOLID CHARLIZE THERON PERFORMANCE!

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: *** out of 4

FOCUS FEATURES

Charlize Theron as Lorraine in Atomic Blonde

From director, David Leitch (John Wick, No Good Deed, Deadpool 2) comes Atomic Blonde, a John Wick-esque spy thriller based on the 2012 graphic novel, The Coldest City by Antony Johnston and Sam Hart. I’m convinced that Charlize Theron (Monster, Prometheus, Mad Max: Fury Road) and James McAvoy (Atonement, X-Men franchise, Split) can do no wrong in their performances even if the movie ends up being standard or bad.

This is not at all a bad film but in terms of story it’s typical spy movie fare, if you’ve ever seen a spy movie before then you’ve pretty much already seen this movie…at least from a narrative perspective. The film immediately makes up for it with some of the best and wildest action sequences I’ve seen all year and I had already seen John Wick: Chapter 2, Baby Driver, and The Fate of the Furious.

Set in 1989 on the eve of the tearing of the Wall that ended the Cold War, the film follows a top-level spy for MI6 named Lorraine Broughton (Theron) who is dispatched to Berlin and ordered to cooperate with station chief, David Percival (McAvoy). The two of them form an uneasy alliance and unleash their full arsenal of skills and weaponry to obtain a device containing the names of every active field agent in the Soviet Union codenamed the List from a ruthless Russian-German billionaire arms dealer and leader of an espionage ring.

The film also stars John Goodman (The Big Lebowski, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Kong: Skull Island) as CIA agent, Emmett Kurzfeld, Til Schweiger (The Replacement Killers, Driven, Muppets Most Wanted) as The Watchmaker, Eddie Marsan (21 Grams, Mission: Impossible III, V for Vendetta) as Spyglass, Sofia Boutella (Kingsman: The Secret Service, Star Trek: Beyond, The Mummy (2017)) as Delphine Lasalle, Toby Jones (Harry Potter franchise, The Hunger Games 1 and 2, Captain America: The Winter Soldier) as Eric Gray, Bill Skarsgård (Kenny Begins, Anna Karenina, The Divergent Series: Allegiant) as Merkel, James Faulkner (Bridget Jones trilogy, Hitman, X-Men: First Class) as Chief C, and Roland Moller (A Hijacking, The Shamer’s Daughter, Land of Mine) as Aleksander Bremovych.  

Overall, Atomic Blonde is exciting and fun when it’s needed to be but it doesn’t quite offer a plot worthy of its badass protagonist. I was able to predict exactly what was going to happen, who would be killed, and where certain scenes were going as the film was progressing because…well, I’ve seen these movies many times before.

But with that said when the action gets going it’ll leave you on the edge of your seat, which is understandable because it’s from the same director who gave us John Wick. Bloody fist-fights, gun battles, car chases, and even a brutal stairway brawl (watch Daredevil much?) if the story was as amazing as the action and Theron’s character this could have been on par with both John Wick movies.

Theron and McAvoy pretty much make the movie, however some of the supporting cast members are pretty forgettable. Goodman is fine but he’s really just doing his new threatening persona type character that he’s already used in both 10 Cloverfield Lane and Kong: Skull Island, Boutella’s pretty forgettable here as undercover French agent, Delphine and the chick who played Gazelle in Kingsman shouldn’t be forgotten about, and Roland Moller doesn’t make much of an impression as the film’s villain, nobody in this is bad but the movie could use stronger character development.

Atomic Blonde is worth watching just for the action, Theron, and McAvoy, the story is just a generic spy film but with some badass and imaginative action sequences. It’s no John Wick or Matrix but it’s a serviceable spy action film with one Hell of a lead.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets review

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS:

DAZZLING AND LEADS TO CAMPY DUMB FUN, BUT MOSTLY FORGETTABLE!

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: ** ½ out of 4

STX ENTERTAINMENT

Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne in Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

            Luc Besson (The Fifth Element, The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc, Lucy) returns to his campy sci-fi roots that helped make The Fifth Element a cult classic with Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, based on the Valerian and Laureline comic book series by Pierre Christin. I have never read the comic it was based on but when you really think about it this is a sci-fi movie based on a comic that I’m sure not very many people have heard of and it’s coming out during a summer where Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2, Wonder Woman, and Spider-Man: Homecoming are the major releases in the comic book movie genre…doesn’t quite shock me that it’s not performing well.

            Not to say it’s horrible but it is undeniably stupid with a really campy tone, visual eye candy everywhere, and corny dialogue and silly moments all throughout the film. Imagine The Fifth Element except even dumber and minus the memorable characters, that’s pretty much this movie and chances are you’ll forget about it a few hours later.

            Set in the 28^th century the film follows Valerian (Dane DeHaan-Chronicle, Lincoln, The Amazing Spider-Man 2) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne-Anna Karenina, Paper Towns, Suicide Squad) who are a team of special operatives charged with maintaining order throughout the human territories of the universe. Under assignment from the Minister of Defense the two of them embark on a mission to Alpha, The City of a Thousand Planets where species from all over the universe live together for centuries to share knowledge.

            However, there is a dark force at the center of Alpha which threatens the peaceful existence of the City of a Thousand Planets and Valerian and Laureline must race to identify a menace responsible for causing an intergalactic war and safeguard not just Alpha but the entire universe.

            The film also stars Clive Owen (Sin City, Shoot ‘Em Up, The International) as Arun Filitt, Rihanna (Bring it On: All or Nothing, Battleship, Home) as the voice of Bubble, Ethan Hawke (Before Sunset/Midnight, The Purge, Boyhood) as Jolly the Pimp, Herbie Hancock (Round Midnight, Miles Ahead, River of Gold) as Defence Minister, Kris Wu (Mr. Six, The Mermaid, XXX: Return of Xander Cage) as Captain Neza, John Goodman (The Big Lebowski, Transformers 4 and 5, 10 Cloverfield Lane) as the voice of Igon Siruss, and Sam Spruell (K-19: The Widowmaker, Defiance, The Hurt Locker) as General Okto Bar.

            Overall, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets delivers exactly what it advertises, a campy, dumb sci-fi adventure that is sure to please sci-fi geeks and people looking for something stupid to make fun of because this movie is filled with weird moments worthy of unintentional laughter. However, the film doesn’t offer much new to the genre aside from some imaginative worlds and alien designs.

            I will say the visuals for the most part is spectacular and fueled on imagination, but there are times where the effects are on par with a Star Wars prequel and they come off as looking fake and unconvincing that they’re really there. If this movie came out in the late 90s or early 2000s those dated effects may have looked more impressive at first but after seeing War for the Planet of the Apes and Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 this summer they look about as impressive as PlayStation 2 game graphics, not a good sign for a 2010s movie outside of laughing at how bad some of the effects are.

            Something I could not get into is the chemistry between the two main characters, specifically DeHaan as Valerian. I’ve seen Dane DeHaan in good movies before and even enjoyed his eerie Harry Osborn portrayal in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 but I found his character to be incredibly obnoxious and unlikable and all he does is act like a smart-ass and bicker with Delevingne’s character all throughout the movie, it’s like a sci-fi version of The Legend of Zelda cartoon or Mad About You, not once did I care whether or not they would end up together by the end of the film and your either laughing unintentionally or sitting there bored and waiting for the next action sequence.

            Also, the movie really fails at comedy, the unintentional stuff is funny but when it tries to be funny it’s pretty painful. The jokes and humor fall flat and feel very forced in their execution and some of them are bad enough to make you cringe *ahem* Taken reference.

            Plot wise Valerian is pretty bad and is pretty much a rehash of much better sci-fi films minus the memorable characters. Films like Star Wars, The Fifth Element, Guardians of the Galaxy, you name it. Even some of the creatures look like they were ripped off from other movies like an obese alien creature who’s always eating and nearly tries to sacrifice Laureline looks like a Jabba the Hutt knockoff and another race of aliens look like bald, albino Avatars.

            So yeah, it’s stupid but it does have fun with its stupidity and hopefully it should satisfy you for one viewing. I can’t say it’ll satisfy everyone, it’s not even close to being a good movie but it’s at least a fun dumb movie you can turn your brain off to, get high with your friends, and laugh away…and then forget about it when it’s over, if this is your cup of tea then game on, if not don’t even consider buying a ticket for it, see Dunkirk instead.