Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales review

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES:

ASIDE FROM A FEW THRILLS AND LAUGHS FROM JOHNNY DEPP, THIS FIFTH INSTALLMENT IS STUCK IN SHALLOW WATERS!

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: ** out of 4

DISNEY

(From left to right) Geoffrey Rush, Kaya Scodelario, Johnny Depp, Brenton Thwaites, and Javier Bardem in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

            Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise has officially “Jumped the Zombie Shark” with the fifth installment, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Produced once again by Jerry Bruckheimer (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, National Treasure) and directed by Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg (Max Manus: Man of War, Kon-Tiki) with Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Alice in Wonderland) reprising his beloved role as drunken pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow, Dead Men Tell No Tales is thankfully nowhere near as long as the third installment, At World’s End or as forgettable as the last film, On Stranger Tides but sadly it’s not much of an improvement.

            What happened to this franchise? You start off with a movie that probably shouldn’t have been very good to begin with, made a surprise hit with Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl and gradually make its follow-ups worse, increase the run-time to near Lord of the Rings length, and add a lot of awkward moments. Don’t get me wrong there’s some fun action and some funny moments from Johnny Depp but none of the sequels were able to live up to the fun and magic of the first film, and this one’s no different.

            The film follows Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites-Home and Away, Oculus, Maleficent), the son of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom-The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Black Hawk Down, The Hobbit 2 and 3) and Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightley-Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Love Actually, The Imitation Game) on a quest to find Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) and set sail to locate a powerful artifact that could break his father’s curse and free him from the Flying Dutchman ship. Henry finds Jack and an astronomer named Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario-Skins, Clash of the Titans, Maze Runner 1 and 2) accused for witchcraft and they set off to the Devil’s Triangle to locate the Trident of Poseidon which grants its possessor total control over the seas.

            Unfortunately, an old enemy from Jack’s past resurfaces, a powerful undead pirate hunter of the Spanish Navy known as Captain Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem-Before Night Falls, No Country for Old Men, Skyfall) who was trapped in the Devi’s Triangle seeks the Trident to wipe out all piracy and exact revenge on Jack. So, it’s a race at sea as Jack, Henry, and Carina are on the hunt by Salazar’s crew as well as Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush- Shine, Shakespeare in Love, The King’s Speech) on their journey to find the Trident and lift Will’s curse so he can return to his family.

            The film also stars Kevin McNally (Johnny English, Valkyrie, Legend) as Jack’s First Mate, Joshamee Gibbs, Golshifteh Farahani (Body of Lies, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Rosewater) as sea-witch, Shansa, Stephen Graham (Snatch, Gangs of New York, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy) as former Blackbeard crew member, Scrum, David Wenham (The Lord of the Rings trilogy, 300, Lion) as British Royal Navy officer, Scarfield, Martin Klebba (Van Helsing, Oz: The Great and Powerful, Jurassic World) as Marty, Angus Barnett (Finding Neverland, Hugo, Jack the Giant Slayer) as Mullroy, Adam Brown (ChuckleVision, The Hobbit trilogy, The Limehouse Golem) as Jib, Danny Kirrane (Walking on Sunshine, Critical, Doctor Throne) as Bollard, and former Beatle, Paul McCartney as Uncle Jack.

            Overall, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is an example of a Pirates sequel that came out too little too late and fails to do much new with the series. Aside from a few implausible stunts, thrills, and laughs it’s pretty much a rehash of what we already saw in the earlier films, undead pirates, Jack swinging around on ropes, being attacked by Geoffrey Rush, and pirate crew members acting like idiots (Seen it four times prior!).

            The plot goes from generic Pirates of the Caribbean storytelling to ridiculous and just plain silly. Apparently, there’s witchcraft, sparkling rock piles that replicate the stars in the sky, and Poseidon’s Trident in Pirates of the Caribbean now, when did this become Percy Jackson?

            But with all that said it’s not nearly as drawn out as the third film and has its moments of fun action and once in a while Jack Sparrow will get a funny line. Javier Bardem shines as the villain, Salazar, he’s creepy but he balances it out with some humor and it looks like Bardem is having a lot of fun with his performance, not as engaging as his Skyfall performance but worth the price of admission.

            Unfortunately, the action, Johnny Depp, and Javier Bardem aren’t enough to save Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales from its generic and ludicrous plot, lackluster character development, and just rehashing what people liked about the earlier films with very little variety. It’s not terrible but it isn’t very good either, if you have kids who love the franchise or if you yourself is a fan of all the movies you might enjoy it, everyone else however should abandon ship.

Alien: Covenant review

ALIEN: COVENANT:

IT’S NO ALIEN OR ALIENS, BUT IT’S GOT PLENTY OF SPACE TERROR AND SOLID ACTING!

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: *** out of 4

20^TH CENTURY FOX

The Xenomorph is back in Ridley Scott’s Alien: Covenant

            Director, Ridley Scott (Blade Runner, Gladiator, The Martian) returns to the franchise that made him, Sigourney Weaver, and the term “Alien” household names with Alien: Covenant, the sixth installment of the classic Alien franchise and a follow-up to his 2012 prequel, Prometheus. After the much-disliked Alien 3 and Alien: Resurrection, not to mention the Alien VS Predator movies, Ridley Scott manages to bring the franchise back on track with Prometheus and Alien: Covenant.

            No, it’s not nearly as amazing or scary as the first two movies but in terms of summer popcorn entertainment Covenant was a solid addition to the series. The film dives deeper into the mythology and origins of the Alien creatures and covers events that followed Prometheus, the acting is solid, the characters are developed well for a horror film, and the Alien action and scares are very effective.

            After the events of Prometheus, the film follows a crew aboard the colony ship, Covenant bound for a remote planet on the far side of the galaxy in search for a place to call paradise. The crew consists of terraforming expert, Daniels “Dany” Branson (Katherine Waterston-Being Flynn, Steve Jobs, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them), first mate, Christopher Oram (Billy Crudup-Princess Mononoke, Big Fish, Watchmen), chief pilot, Tennessee (Danny McBride-Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, This is the End), head of security, Sergeant Lope (Demián Bichir-A Better Life, Savages, The Hateful Eight), biologist, Karine Oram (Carmen Ejogo-Away We Go, Selma, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them), Tennessee’s wife and lander pilot, Maggie Faris (Amy Seimetz-The Killing, You’re Next, Lucky Them), medic, Upworth (Callie Hernandez-Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, Blair Witch, La La Land), her husband, Ricks (Jussie Smollett-On Our Own, Ask Me Anything, Empire), Lope’s husband and member of his second unit, Sergeant Hallett (Nathaniel Dean-Always Greener, Farscape: The Peacekeeper, Wild Boys), security unit member, Leonard (Benjamin Rigby-Neighbours, Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, Lion), and Walter (Michael Fassbender-X-Men franchise, 12 Years a Slave, Steve Jobs), an updated android build in the image of David 8 of Prometheus.

            However, what the crew think is a possible contender for paradise turns out to be a dark, dangerous world inhabited by the horrific Aliens. Crew members get infected by mysterious dust that transforms into new Alien species, attacked by Facehuggers, Alien babies bursting out of their chests (John Hurt style), and a confrontation with the Alien in their attempts to discover dark secrets behind the Alien species and most important of all, escape from the planet alive.

            Overall, Alien: Covenant is a chilling and entertaining addition to the Alien franchise, even if it isn’t as terrifying or well-made as the first two films. The movie ignores the sins of the past and brings the franchise back to its sci-fi/horror roots as well as make more connections to the first movie since Prometheus left so many questions unanswered.

            The film has much more of a connection to Alien than Prometheus for one reason, it actually has the Alien and is filled with more references to the other films. While I thought, Prometheus was a decent film a lot of the Alien details and references were put in the background and it felt like it was trying harder to be a standalone movie with traces of Alien movie DNA.

            The acting is surprisingly pretty strong for a horror movie, Michael Fassbender reprises his role from Prometheus as David 8 as well as the updated Walter and he really knocks it out of the park with portraying them both at the same time, the best way I can describe it is if both sides of his Magneto performance took human forms. Katherine Waterston’s no Sigourney Weaver or Noomi Rapace but she makes a decent female lead that can kick some intergalactic ass, and all throughout the movie I was rooting for her to survive, I really appreciate the acting and writing in this film for making me care about the humans, not everyone is there just to die and you get emotionally attached to plenty of them.

            If you’re a fan of the Alien franchise (or at least the first two) you’ll have a great time with Alien: Covenant. It answers more questions about the origins than Prometheus while still delivering plenty of space action and terror to make you scream, especially if you watch it on a Large Screen or Motion Seat format, I saw it in the Regal 4DX format and it blew me away, this is one of those movies that really exploits the format and makes you feel like you’re really there.

            Don’t expect an Alien or Aliens but a satisfying addition to the franchise that delivers the space scares. Just remember “In space, no one can hear you scream”.

            

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword review

KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD:

THERE AIN’T NO LEGEND OR KING HERE!

By Nico Beland

Movie Review: * out of 4

WARNER BROS. PICTURES

Charlie Hunnam takes sword in hand in King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

READER ADVISORY: The following review contains some risqué humor and language    

Director, Guy Ritchie (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, Sherlock Holmes) tackles the famous Knights of the Roundtable story of King Arthur, the man who successfully removed the sword in the stone and became a legend in King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. A unique failure and an unfortunate misfire for Ritchie as a director, There, Review’s Over!

            Nah, I wouldn’t do that to you but WOW is this movie bad? The movie takes this classic story that’s very interesting and thrilling and reduces it down to the most generic and laughably bad fantasy film you could find (Seriously, does a fantasy movie have to be J.R.R. Tolkien to be good these days?).

            This movie is far from being a king but I can definitely name it the Dungeons & Dragons of the 2010s. With a ludicrous plot that doesn’t make sense, poorly written characters with even worse performances by most of the cast, a chaotic overuse of CGI, and some of the worst pacing and editing I’ve ever seen in a movie…and yet it’s a delightful turd of unintentional laughter.

            The film stars Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy, Pacific Rim, The Lost City of Z) as King Arthur on his journey from the streets of Londinium to claiming the throne. After his father was murdered when he was still a child, his scheming uncle Vortigern (Jude Law-The Talented Mr. Ripley, Cold Mountain, Sherlock Holmes) seizes the crown and robs Arthur of his birthright without him knowing.

            Because of that Arthur grows up in the back alleys of London as an ordinary man but once he pulls the sword out of the stone his life changes forever and must find his true destiny with the help of an enigmatic woman named The Mage (Astrid Berges-Frisbey-Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, I Origins, Alaska). Arthur must learn to master Excalibur, fight his traumatic past, and unite the people to battle his uncle and claim his place as king.

            The film also stars Djimon Hounsou (How to Train Your Dragon 2, Guardians of the Galaxy, Furious 7) as Sir Bedivere, Aidan Gillen (The Dark Knight Rises, Maze Runner 2 and 3, Sing Street) as Goosefat Bill Wilson, Eric Bana (Hulk, Troy, Star Trek) as Uther Pendragon, Tom Wu (Shanghai Knights, Batman Begins, Skyfall) as George, Freddie Fox (The Riot Club, Pride, Victor Frankenstein) as Rubio, Mikael Persbrant (The Hobbit 2 and 3) as Kjartan, Lorraine Bruce (Dark Corners, Eden Lake, The Scouting Book for Boys) as Syrena, Hermione Corfield (Mission: Impossible: Rogue Nation, Mr. Holmes, XXX: Return of Xander Cage) as Syren, Annabelle Wallis (The Tudors, Pan Am, X-Men: First Class) as Maid Maggie, Katie McGrath (Merlin, Jurassic World, Supergirl) as Elsa (No, not the one from Frozen!), model, Poppy Delevingne as Igraine, Kingsley Ben-Adir (Vera, Midsomer Murders, Trespass Against Us) as Wetstick, Neil Maskell (Basic Instinct 2, Atonement, Utopia) as Backlack, Millie Brady (Legend, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, The Last Kingdom) as Princess Catia, footballer, David Beckham as Trigger, and Michael McElhatton (Zen, Game of Thrones, Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag) as Jack’s Eye.

            Overall, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is one of those special kinds of bad movies that you watch with your friends, have a few drinks, smoke a little weed, and laugh your ass off at how terrible it is. I cannot see anyone possibly defending this as a good movie but I can perfectly understand enjoying it because of how bad it is, at least that’s what I got out of it.

            The story is ridiculous and hard to follow, the characters are developed poorly, and most of the performances are awful but the saving grace of entertaining failure is Jude Law in one of the most spectacular failed performances I’ve seen in a while. I love Jude Law as an actor but here his performance comes off as pure lunacy and it’s funny to watch him go so over-the-top and not try to the point where he becomes the highlight of the entire film, imagine Jeremy Irons from Dungeons & Dragons with a splash of Eddie Redmayne madness from Jupiter Ascending.

            Besides hilarious overacting the film also delivers some hilarious underacting with Astrid Berges-Frisbey’s performance as The Mage. Nothing against the actress though I haven’t seen in her in that many films aside from Pirates of the Caribbean, her performance as The Mage is so half-ass and the accent she gives the character makes me burst into laughter every time she speaks, give her a Razzie because she’s like Tommy Wiseau with a Snatch *Obligatory Guy Ritchie Joke!*.

            The editing of this film is beyond terrible and some of the worst I’ve ever seen, constant jump cuts that feel very unnecessary and it looks more like you’re watching a compilation of trailers for the movie rather than the movie itself. It’s terribly stitched together and really needed a better crew, not to mention the timing of the opening credits is incredibly bad and I laughed the moment the title showed up…I’ll just leave it at that.

            Seriously what happened to this movie? A lot of talented people behind it and it somehow bombed big time. This actually could have been a much more fun movie if it wasn’t called King Arthur, Hell, the Jerry Bruckheimer produced movie was a more faithful telling of the King Arthur story, EVEN SONIC & THE BLACK KNIGHT DID A BETTER JOB WITH THE STORY, YES, I WENT THERE!

            If you’re looking for a so bad it’s good movie to watch with your pals one night, give King Arthur: Legend of the Sword a watch, you shouldn’t be disappointed. However if you’re not one of those people who like to make fun of movies and try to take films seriously, don’t even try, go see Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 or The Lost City of Z instead, at least you’re promised a movie.